Sunday, March 19, 2006


-Charles Bukowski

she claimed to be
to have traveled
was said to have known
many famous men and even
slept with some of

really she had
(she said)
done it

after dinner
at a neighborhood Japanese restaurant
I asked her if she would care for a

she ran her eyes over the menu
then said she guessed
she'd have the

which i

and when the drink
she picked it

then quickly set it

looking disgusted.

"whats the matter?"
i asked.

she replied,
"why is this

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


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in lieu of describing to you the bodacious multitudes of the past 6 days of my life, i will instead post photographs, as proof.

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on thursday evening rachel, reid and i watched bad programming on the television and read from various magazines. this was after drinking a little 'champagne' (of beers).
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and then friday was moving day...which was a strictly sheduled scary 18 hours. back and forth from LI to brooklyn...3 or 4 times.
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rachel and joe
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rachel joe and reid
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then saturday (my birthday!) arrived...
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meredith, looking fucking adorable
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a quick visit to see joe's dog oscar and then out to dinner...
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me and rachel
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joe and me
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then back to OUR place for cocktails...
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meredith and rachel
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brittawnee and joe
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rachel winn meredith
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mike me winn meredith?
somewhere along the way our hassidic electrician came in to fix the light in my bedroom (at 11pm on a saturday night...on new years eve??? who does that?...oh well. the more the merrier)

then we all went out to a few bars, including stain and union pool...
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avoid the dirty shirly!
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then the next morning we all woke up...a little less productive than the day before...
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so here are a few pictures of the apartment, just to give you all an idea:
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meredith, making vodka cranberries last night
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our couch
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part of my bedroom

so that is really all i have/can say right now. mostly i am just exhausted. i was up at 7am this morning in order to commute to long island to work at the bookstore 3 days in a row. whats the point of renting a beautiful apartment if you're never able to spend time in it? gah.

anyways, there are many new and exciting things happening in my life and a year ago i never would have thought i would be where i am. lets hope this upcoming year is no different, full of surprises, big changes, small advances, and minor threats.

Friday, December 23, 2005

sorry, this is not a 'best of' thing at all.

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(the following update will be littered with various photographs from 2005)
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alright. okay. must write. something. anything. i am not in any way addicted to the internet, and my week to month sabbatical is proof. not that it is a shameful thing to be addicted to. it could be a lot worse: a sports team, a gym membership, nicotine. but it is still not immensely attractive. not that i long to be immensely attractive, but that is neither here nor there.
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so i am in massachusetts right now.
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massachusetts feels like a whole different paradigm. when i am in massachusetts i live a completely non sequitur life to the one i live in new York. i talk differently, i sleep differently, i eat differently, i dress differently. i am not faking anything in either state i currently live in, but it is important to notice the dynamics of one's own personality.
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its going to be a pretty exciting year, for several reasons.
-i am moving to Brooklyn in less than a week. meredith and i signed a lease for an apartment on hooper street, in williamsburg. yes, i am moving to williamsburg. i once wrote a poem about how much i hated brooklyn, especially that area. i read it at a reading and i think it made everyone uncomfortable. NOW I AM A SELL OUT.

-i will be graduating from hofstra in may. thank god. you know, everyone tries to convince me that i love hofstra, but i really don't. i love the people i have met and stayed close with, the experiences i've had, the lessons ive learned...but the actual place itself can burn like a hairspray in hell for all i care.

-i will be starting graduate school in fall 2006 (hopefully!). thus far i have applied to berkeley, columbia, and nyu....i need to finish applying to fordham and then the CUNY grad center. then i am done and waiting. which, as we all know, is the worst part.
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my birthday is saturday, december 31st. i am turning 22, which is uh, great, considering i still look like i am 15... i still have no huge plans except that i will be surrounded by friends and moving into my new apartment. i have a small birthday wish list, in case you are feeling generous:
-old maps
its a little known caitlin fact, but i am really into vintage world maps. the more inaccurate the better.
i have decided that when i move to nyc i am going to start writing poetry. i think i might even do an independent project on poetry relevant to nyc. i also have an affinity for bukowski, no matter that anyone says. see below for proof.
this is going to be very necessary.
if i could wake up every morning to regina spektor's "us", i would probably turn into scientologist. meaning, i would be so unexplainably happy it would be disconcerting.
clearly, this is a joke
-a validated conscience
my hatred runs deep
in olive green. if this is something you are interested in sharing, please let me know. maybe we can work something out.
i will be needing a lot of this in the upcoming months. and i plan on becoming something of a coffee connoisseur.
i don't really need closure with anything. okay, maybe some things. but not the video that link directs you to. i just wanted a clever way to incorporate that video as it is proof of what my high school boyfriend, andy, is up to these days. he is the blonde one with the glasses. go figure. ladies! he is single, and i have his number if you are interested.
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i think that is all. i mean, of course there could be more. but for now...yeah, any variation of any of those things would be nice too. oh, and i didn't even list one book! aren't you proud? i am a greedy motherfucker.
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anyways, i want to leave you with a poem. last year around this time i wrote about the year as if it was a eulogy. i had just started a new relationship, and really, that was all i was excited/cared about. this year is a bit different. instead of reflecting on last year, i am acknowledging the experiences i had as a way of getting to where i am now. one could not have happened without the other. even (or perhaps, especially) the bad stuff. so here is a poem, entitled the crunch by charles bukowski.
love it.

the crunch

too much too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody.

laughter or tears


strangers with faces like
the backs of
thumb tacks

armies running through
streets of blood
waving winebottles
bayoneting and fucking

an old guy in a cheap room
with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock

people so tired
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place

unspoken to

watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.
I don't ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way that we have not yet
though of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.

it will not say "no."

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Saturday, December 03, 2005


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my first application for graduate school i due in less than a week. i am in brooklyn every night apartment hunting. i cut my hair like carol bradyImage hosted by
i bought a new winter coat. i have a 20 page paper about sin and syphilis due monday. i am still around, just very busy. so, in lieu of a substantial post, i present you with the essay: On Nothing, or rather On Atavism, by one Caitlin P. Me. enjoy the eel part.


On Nothing, or Rather, on Atavism

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A friend of mine once showed me this video of two Japanese women using live eels as devices for sexual pleasure. Woman A was using a funnel to insert the eels into the puckered anus of woman B. Once all the eels were in, the funnel was removed, and woman B used all her strength to push the eels out of her anus, in some sort of strange shooting fashion. Woman A then rubbed the eels over her naked body, and ate one of them. The entire video lasted only about four minutes, but I will never regain those four minutes I lost, watching eel porn. While I believe my friend to be a good person, I sort of resent him for thinking that not only would I enjoy watching such a video, but that I did not have anything better to do with my time.

About a week later I confronted him on the issue.

“Reid,” I said, with an inquisitive nature only common in those who don’t know if broaching a question is a good idea.

“Yeah?” He said.

“Why did you gift me the eel porn?”

“I thought you would think it was funny…it is funny, isn’t it?” He stared at me blankly, as if there was only one response I could have.

“Well, yeah, I mean, it’s strange…and I don’t much appreciate the idea of people being forced to put slimy creatures in their bums.”

“Ugh,” He sighed. “Well, now you can say that you saw an edible eel enema. Isn’t that good enough?”

I laughed. “I suppose so.” And we went on watching cartoons and eating Tostitos.

What Reid was getting at, and what I do believe to be true, is that the time we spend wasting is often the time we spend doing things that are not entirely relevant to our systematic lives, but ultimately crucial to our personal development. That is, while I may have neither gained nor produced capital in those four minutes of eely-squealy, I did however see something I never really expected to see. And this, while irrelevant to school, money, reproduction, or health, is ultimately still an undeniably important asset to our own happiness.

It has been noted that I often spend too much time doing nothing. I can sit in front of a computer screen for hours and be entirely unproductive. I am often caught Google image searching things like tacos, puggles, and giant squids. Occasionally, I find a picture that sparks my fancy, and I save it to my documents. To date, I have an irrational amount of random pictures that are just too irrelevant to deal with. My closest companions and inamoratas are aware of this, but if some lucky stranger was to ever rummage through my hard-drive there is a good chance that they would later consider me one of the strangest, most asinine, useless people our gracious God has ever produced. But I am an artist of boredom, and a queen of procrastination. And puggles are absolutely adorable. And I reckon that once you are done reading this essay, you yourself are very likely to Google image search the glorious puggle.
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Humans, especially Americans, tend to spend a lot of time doing what a standard drone would consider absolutely nothing. Lazing about, dirtying their hands and mouths with sloppy food, staining their knees on grass, watching the same repeat episode of The Ashlee Simpson show for the umpteenth time. Of course we don’t take pride in this unless we are in a competition of who is more unproductive than whom. And in a competition like that, we may consider the winner to actually be, the biggest loser of all.

But are we to feel guilty for this? For our fort building, our coffee drinking, our extracurricular protected sex? I don’t believe so, no. It is truly common, and I would argue, entirely human, to want to laze about and to relish in a day of nothing. Some of my best days have been spent with the knowledge of a lack of responsibility, followed by a sense of freedom only youth can grant. Dangerous and unpredictable is this freedom, but all together worthy of praise for it is the greatest things that come out of having a day of guiltless laxity.

I’d hate to have you think I am lazy and somewhat useless. I do think that productivity is relevant to the equation. I am just trying to help you conceptualize a world wherein ‘doing nothing’ is as equal as ‘doing something’. But as the very least, you are doing something for your own tattered psyche. You are in away curing your mundane with boredom; if that doesn’t make any sense, you are napping with your eyes open.

What you gain in the time where you are not really doing anything of importance is a sense of clarity about your own place in the world. Reid might argue that those four minutes we spent together, watching eels as snacks are four minutes that nobody else was telling us what to do and we did not feel guilted or shamed or enslaved into a productivity only inherent in capitalism. We were outside playing kickball, we were indoors staring at the ceiling. We were laughing, we were young, and there should not be guilt associated with the dumb things we do out of boredom.

In a perfect world, this boredom leads to creative surges, and ultimately productivity. However, we should not feel it necessary to be brilliant in our free time, nor should we find it common. Brilliance comes and goes, but boredom always remains. And in that concept we can finally come to terms with our fort building, our Google imaging searching, and our eel fetishes.

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Sunday, November 20, 2005

"i was just homaging you"

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i have never actually tried tofurkey. everyone i know hates it. they all say it tastes like a giant hot dog with hot-dog flavored stuffing. it can't be pleasant, and it certainly does not look appealing. barf.

speaking of gross foods (mainly hot dogs and things that taste like hot dogs) this weekend was a cultural cafeteria.

but before i say all of that dumb crap, i need to draw your attention to this:
Image hosted by Photobucket.comA super-fun sex toy that plugs into your iPod! The music-activated vibrating bullet stimulates you in time with your favourite music"...for how long have i been talking about the necessity to invent such a thing? the perfect boyfriend? i should have patented the idea while i still had the chance....anyways, my birthday is december 31st, in case you are wondering.....

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  • thursday was the talib kweli show. a little known caitlin fact is that my absolute FAVORITE type of shows to go to are hip hop shows. the crowds are always so much more fun, genuinely excited and not snobby. diverse. people dance. no scene high school kids. i have never seen a 'fight circle' like at hardcore shows. nobody is too cool, like at dumb rock shows (see: the strokes in central park two summers ago). it is a 100% sick experience. and talib was excellent. really high energy.
  • friday night a bunch of us headed to the fundraiser party/show for the Rockabetty Bruisers All Women's Roller Derby team.
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  • so hot right now. one of my dearest friends, butterscotch, is pretty much the MVP of the team. She goes by the name "Butterscotch Cripple", which suits her perfectly.
  • the next morning i headed to the met with my roommate who was going for a drawing class she is taking. we met the master of all things antagonistic, joe stramowski. the main exhibit we needed to see was the van gogh drawings. the line/crowds were outrageous, as i expected them to be. i had never been to the met before, and i found it to be overwhelmingly spectacular, but also it also made me a bit claustrophobic. it took us an hour just to figure out how to leave the place! the good thing is that we ran into our friend jodi (she works there), and we got to see more art than we bargained for. i have issues with large museums. i have traveled to the louvre, the vatican, the collesium, the met, etc. all with in the last 2 years and whenever i enter a place of such seriousness, and overwhelming grandeur, i just get silly. especially around iconic art. skins vs. chasibles anyone?
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  • visited Bar on A (B.O.A.) for the first time in like 2.5 years (give or take) with my pal jake saturday night. when i was younger and (gasp) underage, the couple times i went there i always felt like such a kid. they carded both jake and i, so i have no idea how i got in when i was 18. either way, it is still a neat bar and every other song they played was good, which is a lot to say for any bar. good times.
  • today was one of my oldest college buddy (brittawnee)'s dance show. she was breathtaking, as always.
so tomorrow (monday) i will be heading back to sharon massachusetts for a bit to see the family, NOT eat tofurkey (but also not eat turkey), and work on graduate school applications. i am going to need a beer for this.
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