sorry, this is not a 'best of' thing at all.

(the following update will be littered with various photographs from 2005)


alright. okay. must write. something. anything. i am not in any way addicted to the internet, and my week to month sabbatical is proof. not that it is a shameful thing to be addicted to. it could be a lot worse: a sports team, a gym membership, nicotine. but it is still not immensely attractive. not that i long to be immensely attractive, but that is neither here nor there.


so i am in massachusetts right now.

massachusetts feels like a whole different paradigm. when i am in massachusetts i live a completely non sequitur life to the one i live in new York. i talk differently, i sleep differently, i eat differently, i dress differently. i am not faking anything in either state i currently live in, but it is important to notice the dynamics of one's own personality.



HEY! IT IS ALMOST 2006!
its going to be a pretty exciting year, for several reasons.
-i am moving to Brooklyn in less than a week. meredith and i signed a lease for an apartment on hooper street, in williamsburg. yes, i am moving to williamsburg. i once wrote a poem about how much i hated brooklyn, especially that area. i read it at a reading and i think it made everyone uncomfortable. NOW I AM A SELL OUT.

-i will be graduating from hofstra in may. thank god. you know, everyone tries to convince me that i love hofstra, but i really don't. i love the people i have met and stayed close with, the experiences i've had, the lessons ive learned...but the actual place itself can burn like a hairspray in hell for all i care.

-i will be starting graduate school in fall 2006 (hopefully!). thus far i have applied to berkeley, columbia, and nyu....i need to finish applying to fordham and then the CUNY grad center. then i am done and waiting. which, as we all know, is the worst part.


HEY! ITS ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY!

my birthday is saturday, december 31st. i am turning 22, which is uh, great, considering i still look like i am 15... i still have no huge plans except that i will be surrounded by friends and moving into my new apartment. i have a small birthday wish list, in case you are feeling generous:
-old maps
its a little known caitlin fact, but i am really into vintage world maps. the more inaccurate the better.
-poetry
i have decided that when i move to nyc i am going to start writing poetry. i think i might even do an independent project on poetry relevant to nyc. i also have an affinity for bukowski, no matter that anyone says. see below for proof.
-transportation
this is going to be very necessary.
-pleasure
if i could wake up every morning to regina spektor's "us", i would probably turn into scientologist. meaning, i would be so unexplainably happy it would be disconcerting.
-humor
clearly, this is a joke
-a validated conscience
my hatred runs deep
-warmth
in olive green. if this is something you are interested in sharing, please let me know. maybe we can work something out.
-energy
i will be needing a lot of this in the upcoming months. and i plan on becoming something of a coffee connoisseur.
-closure
i don't really need closure with anything. okay, maybe some things. but not the video that link directs you to. i just wanted a clever way to incorporate that video as it is proof of what my high school boyfriend, andy, is up to these days. he is the blonde one with the glasses. go figure. ladies! he is single, and i have his number if you are interested.

i think that is all. i mean, of course there could be more. but for now...yeah, any variation of any of those things would be nice too. oh, and i didn't even list one book! aren't you proud? i am a greedy motherfucker.

anyways, i want to leave you with a poem. last year around this time i wrote about the year as if it was a eulogy. i had just started a new relationship, and really, that was all i was excited/cared about. this year is a bit different. instead of reflecting on last year, i am acknowledging the experiences i had as a way of getting to where i am now. one could not have happened without the other. even (or perhaps, especially) the bad stuff. so here is a poem, entitled the crunch by charles bukowski.
love it.

the crunch

too much too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody.

laughter or tears

haters
lovers

strangers with faces like
the backs of
thumb tacks

armies running through
streets of blood
waving winebottles
bayoneting and fucking
virgins.

an old guy in a cheap room
with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.
I don't ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about
it.

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
stems
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way that we have not yet
though of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.

it will not say "no."